Jani Dueñas, la piscola y 10 maneras de prepararla

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Estos dos textos  son un extracto del primer libro de Jani Dueñas, llamado «Gatos gordos, piscolas y otras voces que me persiguen», editado por Planeta y disponible en todas las librerías de Chile.

Cuando conversamos con Jani sobre qué publicar, lo primero que ella respondió fue «¡Las piscolas!». En honor a la verdad debo decir que Jani nos conoce bastante bien y sabe de nuestra afición al negro brebaje.

Pase, lea y ríase de estos monólogoss que están publicados en el libro, y si te gustan -o el libro te sirve cómo regalo- no dudes en comprarlo. Un gato gordo te lo agradecerá.

La Piscola

Por Jani Dueñas / Ilustración por Cata Bustos

Si un día los pararan en la calle y bajo amenaza de muerte les pidieran nombrar cosas que definen al chileno, ¿qué dirían? ¿La cueca?, ¿las empanadas?, ¿la xenofobia?, ¿el chaqueteo? Sí, todo eso es chileno, con esas respuestas sin duda se salvarían de la muerte.

Pero hay algo mucho más chileno, algo que nos define por completo, algo que nos acompaña toda la vida y que siempre está ahí cuando la necesitamos: la piscola.

Es cierto, en general la piscola parece ser un trago más bien masculino, pero eso es solo porque en general las minas toman puros tragos con nombres hueones: Daiquiri, Margarita, Caipiroska… yo no entiendo. Nadie puede sentirse realmente ebrio tomando esas porquerías con colores radioactivos y nombres tan ridículos.

La piscola, en cambio, es superior. La piscola es honesta, en su nombre ya te dice de qué está hecha sin dobleces ni anglicismos. Si te sirven un Bloody Mary o un Blue Hawaii, no sabes qué es lo que vas a tomar, es un salto al vacío, quizás qué cresta le echan a esos copetes, sangre de vampiro, sudor de hombre lobo, amarillo crepúsculo y tolueno, mínimo. La piscola, en cambio, te seduce dándote exactamente lo prometido: pisco, coca cola y una lenta pero segura pérdida de conciencia progresiva.

Por lo mismo, por su honestidad y su rudeza, hay gente que le tiene susto a la piscola. Gente que dice: ¡¿Cómo pueden tomar un líquido de color negro?! , ¡y CON PISCO más encima!

Primero, aclaremos que esa es gente que no nos interesa tener cerca en nuestras vidas y, segundo, supongamos que tal ataque de histeria tiene algo de comprensible. El pisco es brígido, el pisco debiese servir para echar a andar autos, prender aviones o hacer bombas molotov, pero para tomarlo, es bravo.

Ahora bien, quienes sabemos apreciar un desafío también sabemos que precisamente, ¡esa es la gracia! La piscola forja carácter, el piscolero no es cualquier hueon.

El piscolero es aguerrido, el piscolero se cree la raja.

El piscolero es el que dice “Nooo, si yo curado manejo mejor” y anda a convencerlo de lo contrario.

El piscolero es el que jugaba a la botellita y no cachaba si le tocaba una mina o un hueon al frente y le daba lo mismo.

El piscolero es el que pone la casa para el carrete y insiste toda la noche en subir el volumen hasta que llegan los pacos a cagar la fiesta. Y una vez que los pacos se van, sube la música de nuevo.

Es el que se las sabe todas cuando habla y si no, inventa hasta que se las sabe.

¡Ese es el piscolero!

La piscola no es un trago simplón, como muchos podrán pensar, la piscola tiene sus misterios y secretos.

El secreto de la piscola no está en la marca del pisco, ni en si la bebida es light o normal, ni siquiera está en el tamaño del vaso o en si le echas una rodaja de limón…

El secreto de una buena piscola es simplemente el hielo.

Una piscola helada es un manjar de los dioses. Una piscola tibia puede ser lo peor que te pase en la vida. Yo al menos, preferiría tomarme mi propia orina antes que una piscola caliente, con eso les digo todo.

Cuando a uno la piscola lo ha acompañado durante varias etapas de su vida, uno toma ese tipo de determinaciones, y también sabe que a medida que pasan los años y comienza la decadencia irreversible, la piscola no muere, sino que se transforma.

Al principio con una de pisco y una de coca te alcanzaba para quince personas, le echabas poquito, lo hacías con respeto. Después viene la famosa linterna con cuatro pilas y ahí los cosa se pone más profesional, entramos en las grandes ligas. Al año siguiente, filo, una de pisco a medias y estamos listos. Después de eso, las pilas dan lo mismo, mientras tengamos la linterna todo está bien.

Es que eso es lo que, entre otras cosas, la piscola te entrega, una subida maravillosa a los cielos y una bajada horrorosa al infierno. Se pasa de la risa a la euforia en un segundo, puedes no conocer a alguien y solo horas más tarde verte a ti mismo abrazándolo y diciendo: «¿Somo amigos o no somo amigos?», y sintiendo, desde el fondo de tu corazón, que la respuesta a eso es: “¡Sí! ¡Y para siempre!”.

De ahí en adelante no hay vuelta atrás, vienen los gritos, los toqueteos, correr la alfombra, el baile, la alegría, los vasos rotos, la destrucción, el llanto, la humillación, la comisaría… ¡cuántos buenos momentos!


Así se ve «Gatos gordos, piscolas y otras voces que me persiguen».

Pero con todas sus maravillas, hay algo de lo que la piscola no se escapa y es que como todos los copetes, tiene consecuencias severas. Esa caña… -sabes de lo que hablo, la has sentido, tal vez la estás sintiendo ahora y si es así, ¡qué cresta haces leyendo este libro!, anda a tomarte un litro de agua con un Ibuprofeno y duerme. En serio, duerme- esa caña que te hace pensar en el bien y el mal, esa caña que te hace arrepentirte de haber nacido, esa que te tiene veinte minutos dudando de si levantarte o inventar un resfrío, esa que te hace preguntarte si la comida para perros esa del comercial de la caquita más dura tal vez te haría bien. Esa…

Y tan intensas como sus consecuencias pueden ser sus virtudes. La piscola, como ningún otro elíxir, te hace ser creativo. Y es ahí donde se constituye un clásico momento piscolero.

Sucede que siempre se acaba primero la bebida porque nunca falta el amigo pelotudo que no toma y se sirve coca cola como si el mundo se fuera a acabar (definitivamente hay que deshacerse de esa gente), y claro, ya es tarde, está todo cerrado, no hay donde ir a comprar nada y en tu desesperación vas a la cocina y lo primero que ves al abrir el mueble es lo siguiente: jugo en polvo.

Y te quedas ahí, mirando el sobre de jugo un rato hasta que logras juntar el valor suficiente para ir donde tus amigos y preguntar, no sin miedo pero con toda la fe del universo: “Oye… ¿y si le echamos esta hueá?”.

Tus amigos te miran impactados por un lapso de tres segundos hasta que uno de ellos rompe el silencio y al fin dice lo que todos estaban pensando: “¡Obvio! ¡Échaselo nomás!” (o algo que se interpreta como eso y que probablemente suena “¡eeeeh! ¡Asfdfsdsdsdsds! ¡Eh, eh, eh!”).

Hay estudios científicos que demuestran que consumir altas dosis de piscola le hace bien a los hombres. Mejora su figura, los vuelve más tonificados e incluso más atractivos. Y no me cabe duda de que esos estudios son reales. ¿La prueba? Uno mismo. Yo a la primera piscola miro a un hombre e inmediatamente se le desaparece la ponchera. A la segunda, lo veo y lo encuentro musculoso. A la tercera lo veo rubio y de ojos azules y, a la cuarta, como que lo miro y encuentro que lo tiene tan grande…

Pero por suerte esta notable mejora no solo beneficia al sexo opuesto. La piscola a las mujeres también nos hace bien, nos pone conversadoras, buenas para bailar, nos hace desinhibirnos y practicar la prostitución.
No pongan esa cara, ¿quién no lo ha hecho? Todas alguna vez en nuestra vida hemos conversado o bailado con un hombre con el único y exclusivo objetivo de que nos compre una piscola, ¿sí o no? Ok, ahora puedes contarles a tus hijos que ellos y la hija de la Geisha tienen algo en común.

Pero lo más importante es que cualquier cosa que hagamos bajo el influjo de la piscola está bendecido. No hay pecado, no hay dolo, no hay culpa, porque la piscola es sagrada.

Tan sagrada que cuando yo tenga hijos, apenas puedan entender ciertos preceptos indispensables para esta vida, se los voy a enseñar de inmediato:

No se roba.
No se miente.
No se discrimina.
Se respeta a los mayores.
Cuando haya que poner plata para la vaca, usted mijito, se pone con la promo.

Solo entonces estaré segura de que mi legado en esta tierra ha sido cumplido.
Amén.

10 maneras de preparar una piscola

Por Jani Dueñas / Ilustración por Cata Bustos

1– La sin hielo: suele beberse a altas horas de la madrugada cuando el hecho de que esté tibia es lo de menos. Es como los besos mal dados o un helado sin palito: no es lo óptimo pero a la hora de los quiubo, iguars.

2– La que se puede ver la hora: dícese de la piscola en la cual usted puede poner su reloj y seguir viendo la hora a través de su vaso. Son tres cuartos de pisco, hielo y lo que queda de bebida cola.

3– La con jugo de piña: usualmente consumida en paseos a la playa y preferentemente con jugo en polvo del año anterior. Son las de la hora de la pitilla, las que más se aman, pero las que más duelen. Suelen anteceder una pelea o un asesinato.

4– La sin Coca Cola: una manera mas elegante de decir que a usted le gusta el pisco solo y es, probablemente, un alcohólico.

5– Para señoritas: poquito pisco, harta bebida. un simulacro de piscola, especialmente diseñado para disimular tu adicción en la primera cita. Es conocida también como piscola pa hacerse la hueona.

6– La sin vaso (también conocida como “megamix on le boc”): úsese en casos de emergencia, tomar un trago de pisco, otro de bebida, mezclarlo en la boca como si fuera enjuague bucal y tragar.

7– Para los valientes: mucho pisco, poca bebida. La gracia es que sea la primera de la noche. Si es la quinta o sexta, usted no es un valiente, usted ya está curao y así no vale.

8– La solitaria: el reloj marca la media noche. Usted ver Primer Plano o la vida de las Kardashians. No llega ningún mensaje, en twitter no tiene ninguna mención y nadie comenta su foto en Facebook. Cuando suena el celular es su tata para pedirle el teléfono de una prima que no ve hace años. Son las piscolas que más duelen porque anteceden mensajes satánicos, una curadera sola y una feroz caña moral al día siguiente.

9– La piscola express: Utilizada como previa para conciertos y eventos que requieren puntualidad, usted se prepara una y se la toma al seco para llegar bien puesto.

10– La Indiana Jones: Especial para ir a un concierto o ingresar a logares no permitidos. Se compra varias petacas y cual terrorista suicida las adhiere a su cuerpo. Se recomienda usar las pechugas, las botas o zapatillas, o donde termina la espalda y comienza el poto. Ayuda ir con una una amiga que haga de elemento distractor, es decir, que lleve un agua mineral y la detengan en la entrada para botarla mientras usted compra las bebidas cola para cantar con su ídolo favorito.

En la Feria Internacional del Libro de Santiago habrá una especial presentación de «Gatos gordos, piscolas y otras voces que me persiguen». Es el Viernes 26 de octubre a las 20 hrs en la Sala Acario Cotapos, y contará con la participación de Patricio Cuevas, periodista, y Natalia Valdebenito, actriz y comediante. No se lo pierdan.

Comentarios publicados en "Jani Dueñas, la piscola y 10 maneras de prepararla"

¡Deja el tuyo!
  • Sofía

    Jajajajajajaja!!! Chile nación de piscoleros y piscoleras, salud!

  • Notable Jani!! Ya quiero el libro de la famosa pistola!!
    Atte
    Un piscolero de tomo y lomo.

  • Lucho

    QUE WUEA MAS FOME DIOS MIO

  • no+

    Esta mina es apestosa, menos mal ahora se ríe de que es vieja y de que se cree joven, pq ya daba pena con sus polerones de monitos a los 35 años. Su moral Liguria y auspicio de cerveza me dan asco y soy super divertida pq hablo de picos es algo francamente decadente. El twitter nos cagó la patria.

  • jc

    Jani, me dio sed… Leo tus palabras y me da sed… a través de tu texto se nota que no solo son palabras al boleo, es más, la praxis piscolera esta llevada a cabo con notable precisión… Saludos

  • rguerrasm

    me siento identificado profundamente. no paso el ron y la piscola es lo mío. la única rectificación que le haría es que la piscola perfecta lleva única y exclusivamente -lamentablemente- coca cola normal.
    la coca light, la pepsi, rari cola, lider cola, etc., no sirven. son cualquier weá menos una piscola. no es «bebida cola» como escribiste, es coca normal y ojalá helaita.
    muy chistoso el texto, saludos!!

  • La Caro Muñoz

    Jajajajaja es ver a mis amigos y a misma reflejada en estas santas palabras. Lo mas probable y, es lo que me pasa a mi muy a menudo es que las ideas absurdamente locas que se nos ocurren bajo las influencia de un buen copete, tal cual es la piscola, luego se transcriben en muchas hojas. Luego re leer esos textos es genial. Salud por los borrachines piscoleros, solteros, profesionales, emprendedores, orgullosos y mentalmente libres de este pais.

  • Alice

    jajajjajaj me mate de la risa Jani y mas encima me dio sed ……yo tambien tengo el sindrome Peter Pan y ke tanto???? si cada uno es feliz como es …….

  • creo que se hace necesario un carrete con la jani pa ver sus cualidades piscoleras. hay alguna sede disponible o habría que colocarse con el chicha’s pub golden?

  • Me gusto el adelanto! todo piscolero solto una risa con ese texto.

  • pauncs

    puta la mina fome hueono

  • Alex

    Me gusto el adelanto!! Escuche a la Nata Valdebenito en la Zero con Franzani y buscando sobre el libro llegué acá.
    Yo era del ron pero cuando conocí la piscola no la solté más! Es que es verdad, no se compara y uno lo pasa la raja en cualquier carrete que tenga piscola!!! muy cierto vienen los bailes, las declaraciones! …bailar para conseguir una piscola! jajajja!… me reí muchoo! me encanta leer todo tipo de libros. Me pregunto si éste lo podre encontrar en conce…

  • Tukn

    Esta mina es un compilado de todo lo que detesto, piscola incluida

  • Oscar

    Jani, Shut up and take my money!!!!!!!!!!

  • Gabriela

    jajajajaajajjajajajajajajajaajajajajja buenísimo, la típica de los piscoleros….

    apenas pueda me compro el libro pa seguirme riendo.

  • Caro

    jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaja puta que me reí!!
    biba la piscola mierda

  • Chancho Con Sifilis

    ARTICULO DE MIERDA

  • alberto

    Buta que seres NOTABLE janiiiiiiiii jajajajajajaja secaaaaaaa (Y)

    PD: invitate una piscolita ricaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y bien helada !!

  • Chopper man

    ajajajajjajajjajjaja
    A los weones graves, vayanse a la mierda con sus wiskys, sus camisas y sus chalecos a rombos!!!!
    A los piscoleros de corazón les recomiendo las del «Bar de rené» (a la vuelta de mi casa), ahí sabrán lo que es la verdadera piscola, «la de los valientes»….
    Saludos y suerte con el libro!!

  • Guaton

    Quien le dijo a esta mina que era graciosa ? es muy re fome, Chile país generoso con todo este grupo de pseudo comediantes-

  • Anonso

    Una mujer hablando de tragos… Por Dios!!!
    Alguien puede pensar en los niños

  • berni

    Asi de simple….Excelente!!!

  • alex

    Todos dejando comentarios malos (me gusta) todos dejano comentarios buenos (no) si no les gusta nolo lean y guardense sus comentarios todos tienen su vision sino les gusta bien, peronalmente me encantan esta clase de libros hay que tomarse la vida con humor y esta es la mejor forma excelente libro!!!!

  • Francisca

    Super básica, nada nuevo, la tipica mina hueca y buena pal hueveo, la diferencia? que hay que pagar 10 lucas pa leer lo que puedo escuchar en cualquier lado, las ilustraciones de catalinabu no más salvan.

  • la verdad lo encontre buenisimo!! jajajaj me rei mucho, son parte de la cotidianidad que nos hacen recordar buenos momentos de carretes y otras cosas jajaja, discrepo con los que dicen que jani dueñas es una basica, creo

  • Andrew

    Excelente trabajo ! amé cada palabra Hahahaha
    muy buen libro para regalar o simplemente leerlo con mis gatos
    ¡Felicidades! al que le gusta bueno y el que no se amarga solo (:

  • Neilin

    Le guste o no le guste, tanto Jani como la piscola son eso…Honestidad. Nobleza en otras palabras

  • Feña

    Odio el pisco porque es malo como también lo es el vino (lluvia de comentarios apresurados y tontos en 3, 2, 1…) Ambos son tragos malos pero de maldad wn!!!!!! POR LA CHUCHA qué manera de tomar malas desiciones bajo los efectos de esos dos XD (en especial si nos ponemos creativos a las 5:00 de la mañana XD) MUCHOS RECUERDOS… ejem! y ojala futuras experiencias!!! ¿Pa qué ser tan amargados? el copete se disfruta, las risas (y el show posterior) se comparten ¡¡MUY BUEN ADELANTO! tuve tu libro en mis manos (y cero plata en mis bolsillos) pero alcance a leer creo que el prologo XDDDD me cagué de la risa!!! Jani eres grande, yo digo «la pura actitud»… chau

  • cony

    Buenisimo me acorde de mis andansas en el colegio buen libro jani te pasaste grande y el segundo para cuando estara porque como buen chileno no hay primera sin segunda jajaja

  • Rocío Silvana

    Excelentes palabras! Definitivamente representan la historia de nuestras vidas! Muy divertido! Creo que era necesario leer esto para darme cuenta de algunas cosas de la vida jajajaja

  • Roberto

    Muy meritorio texto. Consigue ser igual de aburrido 8 años después

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