La guía definitiva para convertirse en un centauro

Publicado por Luc Gajardo

Archivo: 80 artículos

Por Luc Gajardo

«Tu y yo nena no somos más que mamíferos» bien decía Bloodhound Gang. Pero hay unos más y unos menos salvajes. Dentro de la vertiente de los más, encontramos una selección de personajes que se toman bien a pecho la primera afirmación. Humanos que consumen para fines estéticos y recreativos, productos originalmente pensados y diseñados para uso veterinario. Conversamos con un vendedor y usuario de esteroides, quien defiende a ultranza y rostro descubierto las maravillas de los anabólicos como fuente de eterna juventud y un cuerpo fortachón y perfecto. Un amigo nos habló de la locura alucinógena de la ketamina. Y nos enteramos del secreto de algunas minas para un pelo largo, fuerte y sedoso: el shampoo para caballos.

Jose Luis Cid, el gurú de los esteroides

A Jose Luis lo conocí hace algunos años haciendo un reportaje acerca del uso de esteroides, obvio. Era para tele así que se entiende que el tono era súper «oh, que terrible, mira que son locos los fisicoculturistas». Él sabía eso pero aún así aperró a salir hablando del tema sin problema alguno y con un manejo científico y legal a prueba de balas. Después del reportaje nos hicimos re amigos porque sus ventas se dispararon al cielo, así que básicamente el Gurú me ama.

Me junté con Jose Luis en un café del centro de Santiago y conversamos de historia y de meterse esteroides para caballo en un pequeño cuerpo de humano.

Disorder: ¿Por qué te llaman el gurú de los esteroides?

Jose Luis: El gurú fue un término que se usó en un programa de CHV en «En la Mira». Yo fui el primer personaje en Chile que salía con nombre y apellido diciendo que vendía esteroides. Todo el mundo me conocía, y ahí se mostró que yo era, y sigo siendo, el más profesional en esto. Yo le digo a la gente que esto no es un supermercado, si tu compras en otro lado te pueden vender cualquier cosa pero yo sólo te voy a vender lo que creo que es correcto para tí. Así yo me cuido también, sé para qué sirve y lo que hace mal. En ese programa yo no sabía que me estaban grabando, fue una cámara oculta, pero finalmente salí beneficiado por mi transparencia.

Disorder: ¿Quienes fueron los primeros en pincharse?

Jose Luis: Los usaron primero con los judios que rescataron de los campos de concentración, porque no habia cómo hacerlos recuperar la masa muscular. Es irónico porque fue un alemán el que los inventó. Después se empezaron a usar deportivamente en Rusia, en la época de la Union Soviética, y ganaban en todas las competencias. Los gringos pensaron que eran súperatletas, después se dieron cuenta y por eso inventaron el antidoping. Pero de todas formas, aunque allá sea ilegal como la cocaína, es el país donde más se venden, acuerdate de cuántos deportistas de elite han pillado, en el atletismo, el basketball, baseball.

Disorder: ¿Los esteroides te hacen más fuerte?

Jose Luis: No te hace más fuerte, pero te aumenta tu potencia, no significa que vai a poder pescar a un hueón de un ala y tirarlo pa arriba, pero sí aumentan tu capacidad de hacer fuerza.

Disorder: ¿Para qué eran utilizados originalmente?

Jose Luis: Originalmente se usaban para el ganado, para el aumento de masa muscular, el pelaje, y para la recuperación de fracturas. Se usan también en los caballos de carrera.

Disorder: ¿Quiénes aparte de los físicoculturistas los usan?

Jose Luis: Gente de la tele, modelos, el gallo que quiere estar en pantalla tiene que tener una buena imagen, musculoso, definido. O los jugadores de futbol, que antes eran gallos normales ahora son como tipo modelo, hacen fotos para publicidad, y la publicidad quiere hueones marcados, entonces se inyectan esteroides. Piensa cuánto valen esos jugadores, si uno se lesiona no lo van a tener 6 meses parado, ¿Qué lo que hace el medico? ¡Le inyecta esteroides! Si los antidoping no se hacen todo el tiempo. O la gente de las Fuerzas Armadas, el Gope, los marinos, Fuerzas Especiales, gallos que entrenan en niveles que van más allá de la fuerza humana normal, todos se inyectan. Yo tenia unos clientes marinos de Estados Unidos, los hueones eran gigantes, tatuados, parecían culturistas. Ellos me contaron que en el ejército de allá incluso les daban suplementos, que tenían formación de culturista.

Disorder: ¿Cuáles son los efectos negativos?

Jose Luis: Se habla mucho de los cambios de ánimo que provocarían, por ejemplo, pero tendría que pasarle de 10 personas que usan a los 10, si no no vale. Por eso los medicos siempre hablan de probabilidad, porque no hay estudios científicos que prueben los efectos negativos. Al final es lo mismo que el copete o los cigarros. Lo del achicamiento de los testiculos, o la infertilidad, es lo mismo que si yo me tomara 20 tazas de café al dia, obviamente me va dar una úlcera, la cosa está en la medida. Pero al final, los esteroides traen más beneficios que riesgos. Uno a los 30 años deja de producir testosterona, se produce una andropausia, los huesos se vuelven frágiles, la columna se empieza a doblar, y también aparecen cambios de ánimo fuertes. Y si yo me inyecto, eso se empieza a recuperar. La gente de 40 o 50 años que usa esteroides se ve indudablemente mucho más joven que el resto de los mortales. Yo siempre digo que el ego no tiene precio, si yo tengo mucho poder adquisitivo puedo comprar miles de cosas pero no puedo arreglarme el cuerpo, las minas pueden ponerse poto o tetas, pero un hombre no, entonces está obligado a hacer pesas. Es el hombre el que tiene que luchar, porque para las mujeres es más facil.

Disorder: Claro, hasta se puede morir en el intento

Jose Luis: Siempre se habla de culturistas profesionales que mueren, o luchadores de la lucha libre, pero eso es apenas el 10% del universo de gente que usa esteroides. La gente normal no se muere. Los medicos han querido poner a los esteroides como algo peligroso, turbio, es como hablar de cocaina, entonces a la gente le da miedo reconocer que los usa porque se ven como droga. Y se habla de riesgos con parámetros absurdos, como si yo dijiera que no hay que usar autos porque los hueones que corren en carreras de Fórmula 1 mueren.

Disorder: Explícame cómo un medicamento hecho para caballos no le va hacer mal a una persona.

Jose Luis: Es que piensa que los esteroides no se aplican a todos los caballos, sólo a los de carrera y de exhibición, a los mejores. Claro, la gente dice ‘cómo se inyectan cosas de uso veterinario’, pero esos caballos valen más caro que tu o que yo, el laboratorio jamás va hacer algo que pueda hacerles algun daño. Y químicamente los medicamentos son uno sólo. Si yo te paso un frasco para que lo mandes a analizar, te van a decir, por ejemplo: esto es boldenona. Pero no te van a poder decir si es de uso veterinario o humano. Yo tengo un muy buen amigo veterinario, tiene caballos de carrera y todo, y el a su madre le aplicaba glucosamina, que es de uso veterinario, y sabis como me decia que andaba la señora? ¡Como-un-reloj!

¡Como caballo de carrera! 

Jose Luis: Una vez en el sur me comí unas papas fritas y no sabía que tenían manteca. La cosa es que cuando uno consume esteroides tiene que cuidarse mucho el hígado, entonces esa hueá para mi fue fatal, me sentía como el hoyo. ¿Qué lo que hice? Fui a una farmacia veterinaria y me compré unas gotas hepaticas para animales, me las tomé como por cuatro días. ¡Santo remedio!

Pato, y el reset al cerebro con Ketamina

La primera vez que Pato se inyectó Ketamina fue hace 5 años y en este entonces, como la mayoría de gente que conozco que la usa, no tenía idea que es un anestésico de uso veterinario, que se usa para los caballos. Hoy se usa para anestesiar hipsters, porque ciertamente es una de las drogas más hipster que hay, sino la más.

Se hizo semi famosa, indignando a sus usuarios (porque se podía hacer muy mainstream, supongo), cuando hace varios años Javiera Mena habló en una entrevista de cómo le daba. Hoy día Alex Anwandter canta suelto de cuerpo de las bondades de la K.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz0AXTwL3s8[/youtube]

Personalmente una vez la jalé y lo que más recuerdo es haber estado caminando como Jack Sparrow toda la noche. Una amiga enfermera me cuenta que también se usa para preanestesiar niños, prepararlos y dejarlos un poco locos antes de una operación, y que se les aplica via intravenosa o con una sonda por el ano.

Otro amigo le empezó a dar hace poco, su primera vez fue para la navidad del año pasado. Dice que que ni en pedo se la inyectaría, que esnifarla está bien, muy bien. Que sólo puede describir el efecto como un viaje espacial disociativo.

Pato también cuenta que cachó que durante la Primera Guerra Mundial se la aplicaban a los soldados heridos. Esto al parecer es cierto, pero no del todo acertado. Hace unos días vi un reportaje de la Keta en el Nat Geo (en el video de abajo) y decían que en la guerra que la usaron fue en Vietnam.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QGl9Pwl2RI[/youtube]

Pato cuenta que lejos la mejor forma de meterse Ketamina es de forma intravenosa, que también se puede intramuscular pero que duele más que la mierda y no pega tanto. Que jalarla es casi un desperdicio, que es demasiado lento el efecto. Y que una vez la fumó al estilo nevado (mezclada con marihuana) pero que no es muy buena onda porque practicamente te congela el cerebro.

Pato cuenta que conseguirla no es tan fácil, que es un jodido hueveo hacer un mano con un veterinario, un falso veterinario, o alguien que conozca a alguien que trabaje con un veterinario. La otra es tener una mano en el hipódromo, o sencillamente robarla de una consulta veterinaria.

La ketamina pese a no ser derechamente adictiva, produce una dependencia sicológica y una tolerancia relativamente rápida. Pato me cuenta que cuando esto sucede, puedes fácilmente picarte unas 5 o 6 veces en una pura noche. Cuenta que es como resetearse el cerebro, que es una montaña rusa sicodélica, que pierdes uno por uno los sentidos y que cuando los recobras uno por uno es como volver a nacer. Que provoca sensaciones gondrianas como sentir los brazos largos y las manos chiquititas. Que no es una droga para carretear porque quedas un buen rato sin poder moverte ni tener pico idea dónde estás.

La Keta es tu amiga, pero no te pases de listo.

Largo, brillante y hermoso: el truco para tener un pelo caballo

El mito siempre habló de que algunas mujeres mezclaban shampoo con anticonceptivos como súper técnica para un crecimiento rápido del pelo. No tenemos idea acaso será efectivo o no, en sus resultados claro, porque de que se hacía o se hace aún, no hay duda.

Pero el mito que había escuchado hace algún tiempo y que resultó ser cierto es uno que hablaba de que algunas minas para acelerar el proceso de crecimiento, se lavaban el pelito con nada menos que con shampoo de caballos. Y al parecer el tema es más tabú que el uso de esteroides o de keta porque por más que insistimos en entrevistar a unas amigas que lo usan para callado, no hubo caso. Y no es tan raro que haya sido así, porque haciendo el sondeo, preguntando, nos encontramos con que para las mujeres que no habían escuchado de esto, lo encontraban por decir lo menos, y desde la ignorancia, un asco.

Llegué entusiasmado donde una amiga que es peluquera y que en off me confesó que ha usado y que usa este shampoo y que los resultados son impactantes. Que el pelo crece indubablemente más rápido y fuerte. Que el olor es igual a cualquier shampoo. O sea que todo bien con esto, pero que por ningún motivo le dice de este secreto o se lo recomienda a sus clientes. No por mantener el secretismo, sino que teme que en el mejor de los casos la miren diciendo «no gracias», como si estuviese loca y en el peor de los casos perder buena parte de su clientela.

Junto con tirarme amablemente por el desvío, nos tiró el dato de un blog llamado Cabellos y Hierbas, donde la administradora, Beatriz Fernández, con nombre y apellido se sometía a experimentar y documentar los efectos del Mane ‘n Tail sobre su pelo. Beatriz también declinó conversar con nosotros, pero su experimento está online acá.

Por si te interesa, el galón (3.78 litros de shampoo para caballos) cuesta 25 mil pesos y dura más que la cresta.

Comentarios publicados en "La guía definitiva para convertirse en un centauro"

¡Deja el tuyo!
  • Yo cachaba que la keta la usaban los ravers para levantar el envión del XTC cuando empieza a decaer. Fui a una fiesta una vez en donde todos estaban en mdma, comian frutas y jalaban keta. Iban bajando y… fierrazo de keta para subir de nuevo. Yo obviamente no lo hacía porque mi única droga es la música.

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  • jonker pro.

    no consuman esa mierda, hay millones d otras drogas mas bknes, q hacen menos daño

  • carlostro

    pfff descubrieron américa wn….
    la keta se usa desde hace caleta, los hipsters no estaban ni en los cocos de sus padres cuando ya habían weones inyectándose esa weá.
    Jalarla debe ser una mierda, está hecha para ser inyectada. Es como fumar nevado (ni un brillo, para eso mejor jalas). Es verdad eso de que no sirve para carretear, porque no tienes ningún tipo de control en el cuerpo. Podrían violarte o asesinar a tu madre delante tuyo y no te importaría porque todo simplemente pierde sentido, y aunque quisieras hacer algo no podrías porque es un anestésico, tu cuerpo está dormido, salvo por cortos períodos de tiempo en que puedes articular algún tipo de movimiento semi coordinado.

    Sobre los esteroides sólo puedo decir que es una mierda para weones acomplejados. No estoy ni ahí con tener el pico de bonito y los cocos chicos.

  • macarena

    buena lucho después de 2 meses terminaste tu investigación

  • bachiño

    en valpo tomamos puro sacrificio maya y entramos en otra dimensión. 2 sacrificios maya y el cerebro te hace tilt, 3 sacrificios mayas y te conviertes en la estrella de la noche, con la piel bien brillosita del guitre que se queda pegao a la pera

  • nativoo

    jajaja…esta muy bueno el reportaje, entretenida forma de ser escrito. Eso si personalmente los esteroides me dan como miedo, una vez escuche de un wn q los usaba por muchos años y en exceso, y al wn se le chupo la poronga con las boliflacias y se le salieron por el cortachurro…sera verdad?

  • STRONG JANDYTO

    LOS ANABOLICOS SON BUENOS PERO NO HAY QUE ABUZAR TODOS LO EXESO HACEN MAL!!!!!!! LA VIDA ES UNA BALANZA!!!!!! POR CULPA DE ALGUNOS WNES QUE AN ABUZADO DE ESTOS ELEMENTOS SEA DES PRESTIGIADO EL TEMA DE LOS ANABOLICOS !!!!!!

  • Paulina

    jaja una vez hice esa tontera del champu con anticonceptivo y se me callo la mitad del pelo, tragame tierra!

  • Daaaaa

    Todo lo que es cachar, ABSOLUTAMENTE NADA de la ketamina. Si al «especialista Pato» no le pegó intramuscular es porque probablemente se inyecto poco. La dosis intramuscular es dos o tres veces mayor que la intravenosa para que pegue bien, pero vale la pena, el viaje es realmente más fuerte y dura muchisimo más. Jalarla es de niñas chicas. Respecto a que es una drogas hipster: que huevada más grande.

  • Con ese título como para no leer el artículo! jaja que bueno… «you and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let`s do it like….»!

  • Maria

    El shampoo de Caballo Funciona, y hay muchos productos de la misma marca como crema para las manos y los cascos de los caballos. Todo en uno, de todas formas en el envase tiene la indicacion «PARA USO HUMANO» y lo encontré en una farmacia frente al club hípico, donde me dijeron que siempre lo compraban mujeres para uso personal, osea sin tener ni una para de caballo.

    Saludos.

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